Apparently there’s some sort of controversy in which a liberal pundit named Hilary Rosen made a silly comment about Ann Romney not working (for which she has apologized), and the conservative Catholic League saw fit to minimize the value of adoption-based parenting in their Twitter response.
Lesbian Dem Hilary Rosen tells Ann Romney she never worked a day in her life. Unlike Rosen, who had to adopt kids, Ann raised 5 of her own.
I guess adoptive parenting isn’t real parenting and our kids aren’t “our own.”
To their credit, the RNC responded appropriately.
But the Catholic League was clearly playing dog-whistle politics here. As an adoptive parent I’ve met people who don’t view adoptive relationships as being as valuable or deep as biological relationships. I was even treated to a biological theory one time as someone told me that he knew a parent who had child by birth and another by adoption and the parent admitted to having a “closer connection” to the natural born child. I’ve yet to meet similar “mixed” family parents who will admit to the same thing, though I suppose it’s not something a parent would want to admit, even to him/herself if true.
All I can say is that I love my kids so much it hurts. I have no basis for comparison as I have no children by birth (well, actually my children were in fact born, but I’ll rant about the terminology some other time), but it’s impossible for me to imagine a closer or “deeper” connection.
Literally, there are people out there who will tell me I’m living in politically correct denial. Probably not many, but I’ve encountered enough of it to know that they aren’t extremely rare. Certainly a larger percentage of humanity than represented by AB- blood type.
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April 12, 2012 at 3:05 pm
Ernie's Place
I wonder how long it would take the Supreme Court to decide on the right to put up campaign signs?
April 12, 2012 at 3:06 pm
Ernie's Place
Arggghhh.. Wrong spot! please deleete!
April 12, 2012 at 6:16 pm
Fred Mangels
Nice post, being an adopted guy myself.
April 12, 2012 at 7:34 pm
Eric Kirk
I didn’t know that Fred.
I forgot to mention an anecdote. I used to work for an attorney who had, with his wife, been unable to conceive a child. So they adopted, but almost as soon as the paperwork was finished, she got pregnant and they had one each.
As kids will sometimes be cruel, especially to siblings, the blood child once told the adopted child that he wasn’t really part of the family, etc. The adoptive child responded, “Actually, they went out of their way to find me. You were just an accident.”
April 12, 2012 at 7:44 pm
Heraldo
they went out of their way to find me. You were just an accident.
That’s a key point. Children who are wanted and sought after start out on better footing than “accidents.”
April 13, 2012 at 5:42 am
Fred Mangels
I’m not so sure about that, Heraldo, but I understand the sentiment.
I have a older nephew that was in the same situation as Eric’s attorney friend. They adopted, then she ended up pregnant. I’ll admit to worrying about what sort of emotional conflicts might develop when the adopted one is old enough to know what’s going on?
That sort of thing never involved me as my brother and sister were both adopted, but from different families. None of us are related by blood.
April 13, 2012 at 7:50 am
Paul Rodrigues
Right before my wife and I left for China to adopt our first son,
I had a very nice elderly woman come up to me and tell me that she was “grieving” for me because we would not be experience the delivery of the child into our arms.
One thnk I did learn, especially through the first adoption, was grace; the poor woman was actually trying to be supportive, and believe me when I say that we had comments that were much, much worse, but at the end of the day, it’s easier to let that stuff go.
Now, my kids are all adopted, so I have only my experiences to rely on, but I would wager that when our son was placed in our arms in a hallway halfway accross the world that it rivaled any delivery in a hospital. I don’t think the joy could have been any more intense than that first sweet moment had my wife given birth, in fact, coupled with years of battling infertility, the moment might have been a bit sweeter.
April 13, 2012 at 10:10 am
tra
Adoption is incredibly important, and adoptive parents deserve our thanks and admiration. Adopting a child is one of the most direct ways that someone can have a far-reaching and long-lasting positive impact on the life of a child.
April 13, 2012 at 10:18 am
Anonymous
“Adoption is incredibly important, and adoptive parents deserve our thanks and admiration. Adopting a child is one of the most direct ways that someone can have a far-reaching and long-lasting positive impact on the life of a child.”
…and as an uber-bonus, not contributing to already-way-overpopulation.
April 13, 2012 at 11:30 am
Matt
My nephew is adopted, and I would go through fire to help him if I had to.
April 13, 2012 at 6:52 pm
Anonymous
It’s a nice blog thread, but how creepy is the WalMart ad? Like having some corporate bully barge in on a personal conversation. Yuck.
April 14, 2012 at 11:51 pm
Catholic League Vs. Adoptive Parents — IGF Culture Watch
[...] reactions from adoptive parents lit up the web. Writes blogger Eric Kirk, “I guess adoptive parenting isn’t real parenting and our kids aren’t ‘our [...]
April 16, 2012 at 12:46 pm
j67k
I agree with Anon 10:18, but I would also point out that the only ‘real’ difference is based on the instinct to propagate your own genes. But, don’t worry, the human gene pool is quite healthy &, unless you’re an X-man, your genes are all represented in it.
Also, remember that the wicked step-parents of fiction usually had the children thrust on them by marriage &/or death, i.e. Snow White, Harry Potter & James (of giant peach fame). So, people who marry someone who has a child or take the responsibility of raising a dead relatives baby, THOSE people are the wicked, evil ones… Obviously.
April 16, 2012 at 2:20 pm
suzy blah blah
Children who are wanted and sought after start out on better footing than “accidents.”
-depends on what they are “wanted and sought after” for. And what you call “better footing”.
Adopting a child is one of the most direct ways that someone can have a far-reaching and long-lasting positive impact on the life of a child
-and/or also one of the most direct ways that someone can have a far-reaching and long-lasting negative impact.
There is a dark side to abortion that the popular altruistic view can overlook. Here are some links:
One describes how certain factions of society use abortion as a way of preying on the desperate
Another calls itself, pound pup legacy
This one explains that, Children who are truly orphaned, could be adopted within their own nation if not for the competition of foreign fees to orphanagesand goes on to say that, “Removing children from impoverished families does nothing to ameliorate the plight of the family, village or nation from where they originate.”
-there are books. Like this one called The Stork Market America’s Multi-Billion Dollar Unregulated Adoption Industry.
April 16, 2012 at 2:45 pm
suzy blah blah
-whooops, (Freudian slip?) that should have been “dark side to adoption“
April 16, 2012 at 4:43 pm
Eric Kirk
John – Didn’t the uncle in Harry Potter mellow out and become nicer later in the series? Kind of like Margaret Hullahan?
Suzy – there are dark sides to the adoption industry. I for one feel guilty about taking my kids out of a country with universal health care. But Korea has actually tried to phase out international adoption of their children. The problem is that there’s a stigma against being born out of wedlock that is so strong in a society that outside of Seoul is so deeply steeped in tradition, that their domestic adoptions are far and few. Outside of Seoul.
They don’t have orphanages in South Korea – the kids are raised in foster homes. Obviously, unlike some of the other international adoption countries, they are pretty well off per capita. But they are the only country which is actually trying to end the the practice of international adoption. They had intended to end international adoption as of 2010, but they’ve extended it another decade or so while they try to educate their public.
There are other issues of adoption which underscore that there is a low-level underlying sadness about it, despite the joy for those of us on the adopting side of it. I dealt with it in a previous thread, including some issues with any adoption.
http://kunsoo1024.wordpress.com/2010/09/11/in-the-arms-of-an-angel/
But any time I feel guilty, I just remember that they were going to be adopted anyway, and probably would have ended up in a rectangular state somewhere being raised by Mormons. Nothing against Mormons really, but that wouldn’t have worked for my daughter – not at all.
There is a huge variance in how adoptees feel about adoption when they get older. There is some congruence with the family situations – obviously those in abusive situations feel less of a connection to their adoptive parents and long for their missing blood parents. But when I discussed this with a friend of mine who was raised in an abusive blood family situation, he said that he should have been longing for his missing adoptive parents. But anyway, not all the adoptees who feel a loss come from bad situations. Some feel cheated that they can’t look at their parents and see part of their physical selves for instance. For others, it’s “meh – I’m sure my blood parents are nice people and all, but they really have nothing to do with me.” I have a feeling my son will be like that. My daughter will be more curious, whether or not she experiences any sense of loss. Most adoptees say they don’t, but maybe that’s because they don’t want to hurt their adoptive parents. No way of knowing.
April 16, 2012 at 5:49 pm
Anonymous
One quibble, South Korea does have orphanages, check out Angels Haven in Seoul. They stopped doing, international adoptions several years ago (and even opened an orphanage in Uganda), although I don’t know about local ones.
April 16, 2012 at 7:05 pm
suzy blah blah
-thanks for the link Eric, i missed it the 1st time. That DMC’s history of being adopted wasnt known to him until he was an adult is another thing. And, I was especially touched to hear “the arms of an angel” once again. A very very good friend of mine “flew away from a cold dark room” about 10years ago.
He OD’d. He was an adopted kid but didn’t know the truth until he was in his twenties. That really tweaked his mind. The Sarah McLaughlin song always gives me goosebumps and tears, the lyric fits his story so well, her voice is beautiful, and haunting as well. I miss him and it brings back a lot of feelings -sorry i’m gettin all emotional on you
. . . .
But any time I feel guilty, I just remember that they were going to be adopted anyway, and probably would have ended up in a rectangular state somewhere being raised by Mormons. Nothing against Mormons really, but that wouldn’t have worked for my daughter – not at all.
ha ha, that’s for sure, I’ve seen both of your children around Redway, recognizing them standing out somewhat because of their color, “oh that must be Eric’s kids”, and they look great. I like your daughter. I don’t know her personally or anything like that but from some of what you’ve related she sounds really bright and with a high energy. I like the story about her “priceless” painting. You are really really fortunate to learn from such a brilliant girl
But everyone’s fragile at points in their own way, too. Adopted or not, I trust you will do all you can for her. Him too. Like Sarah sings;
“There’s always some reason to feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day ”
-and it makes it all the worse if youre in a “rectangular state” -LOL!
April 16, 2012 at 7:29 pm
Eric Kirk
One quibble, South Korea does have orphanages, check out Angels Haven in Seoul. They stopped doing, international adoptions several years ago (and even opened an orphanage in Uganda), although I don’t know about local ones.
I didn’t know that, in fact, I could swear I just recently read different – that they had tried to shut down adoption, but couldn’t.
Or maybe that’s why they need orphanages.
Suzi – thank you. The kids are beautiful, and they’ll do fine. When they start asking more questions, my wife and I will be right there for them. I actually wish I could get them more interested in learning about Korea, but I’m not going to push it until they’re ready. More time to learn about it myself (I think the Korean cinema might be the most sophisticated right now – just saw my first Korean vampire movie – Thirst – and it was appropriately freaky and intelligent). They’ll probably go through an identity crisis, but then so did I. Fortunately, there are plenty of support groups of Korean-born adoptees – institutions with several generations of knowledge now. It all started with mixed-race babies coming out of the Korean War because America was the only country who wouldn’t take responsibility for babies generated by soldiers. But that’s a topic for another thread.
April 16, 2012 at 10:03 pm
suzy blah blah
I actually wish I could get them more interested in learning about Korea, but I’m not going to push it until they’re ready.
-if you push they’ll likely rebel. And also, suzy doesnt think there’s any “thou shalt learn all about your country of origin” written in any holy tract anywhere, or anything … well maybe there is.
April 16, 2012 at 10:20 pm
Eric Kirk
No, probably not. And you’re right. Push it too hard and they’ll resist it like piano lessons.
April 16, 2012 at 11:30 pm
michael
Sorry, I didn’t mean all of Korea stopped international adoptions, just that Angel’s Haven had. I did not make that clear.
April 17, 2012 at 8:07 am
Erasmus
A feeling of guilt for having removed your adopted children from a country that has universal health care? —- I confess that I didn’t expect to find a novel case of liberal guilt on this blog. Why is government-run health care (no matter how loose the bureaucratic strings) a sine qua non of a decent society? (And I ask this as someone who supports single-payer systems.) Canada has a single-payer system, yet it is a common occurrence for wealthy Canadians to travel south when grave illness strikes. (See the fine Canadian film ‘The Barbarian Invasions.’ Recently, the premier of one of Canada’s maritime provinces made the news by checking into an American hospital for an operation.) If your children are adequately covered by insurance, why does the absence of state-run health care matter? If a civilized society is defined by government-run programs, then human history takes on a meaning that historians before the 20th century would have been astounded to hear.There are many ways to guarantee access to health care without Washington, DC’s involvement, and for decades this country has offered a safety-net for those who slip through the cracks. Do I think our current system is ideal? Of course not But measuring childrens’ quality of life by such guages as “federal health care mandates” or however one wants to phrase it ….. that seems an impoverished way to discuss it. — Cuba has “free” health care and education. Few (if any) Latinos risk life and limb to flee to that country. There are values that transcend government programs —- and I apologize for the truisms, the cliches, and the banality of my comments.
April 17, 2012 at 9:23 am
Eric Kirk
Canada has a single-payer system, yet it is a common occurrence for wealthy Canadians to travel south when grave illness strikes.
Because they don’t want to get in line, presumably. But at least they have a line to get into. No lines here if you’re not covered.
And the vast majority of medical-bill induced bankruptcies occur for people who are “covered.”
So yeah, we’re great with treating wealthy people. If you have the money to pay for the boy in the bubble and the baby with the baboon heart level of treatment, America’s a great place.
American Latinos certainly don’t risk limb and life to get to Cuba, but Haitians do. Of course, Haitians will go anywhere to get out of Haiti.
April 17, 2012 at 11:00 am
Erasmus
Having worked in the restaurant industry, I knew many people who lacked health insurance and who needed expensive care (open heart surgery, etc). They were not placed in a line — far from it. California may have changed for the worse in the past 5 years. And I don’t wish to keep our current system as it is. —- I’ll do some research on the number of Haitians who have fled to Cuba.
April 17, 2012 at 12:14 pm
Eric Kirk
Found this old article on Google.
http://articles.orlandosentinel.com/1996-11-23/news/9611221871_1_haitian-refugees-eastern-cuba-cuban-officials
In my memory, Cuba established a special agency to deal with Haitian refugees back during the first migration of the late 70s/early 80s.