Our newest partner, Roxanne, practices family law. She and the others who work that area of law have my utmost respect. It can’t be fun, but it’s an absolutely essential service. Depending on your philosophy of practice, a good family law attorney can mitigate the darkness of an aspect of life of which only sickness and death is darker. Or you can prey on it.
I’ve been in family court a few times. Certain equitable relief in land cases involving domestic partners has landed me in family court. You can slice the tension in the air like butter as everybody waits for his/her case to be called with people who once loved each other gracing each other with furtive angry glances all the while holding tightly onto an air of righteousness as though afraid of breaking it. It brings out the worst in us. In San Francisco, you have to pass through a metal detector to get into the courthouse, and then a separate one to get into the family law department. Not even the criminal court has that kind of security.
As it happens I was in court today. Because I was in Eureka my partner asked me to file a matter in the family court up on the third floor. I think I’ve only been up there once before. This time, after completing my business, I noticed a table in the corner of the clerks office with children’s books and crayons. I don’t know why, but just the sight depressed me. I just tried to picture the kids playing there, trying to hide from their parents what they could perceive of the events. Obviously it would be preferable to keep the kids elsewhere, but not all soon-to-be-single moms have the resources.
I don’t know. Maybe it bothered me because I have kids now. I’m very happy in my marriage, but I think that if I wasn’t I’d almost consider just staying in an unhappy one for the kids’ sake. Probably wouldn’t be doing them any favors though. Makes me appreciate what I have.
Kudos also to the clerks in that office. They have a tough job.
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April 19, 2007 at 7:02 am
Heraldo Riviera
The atmosphere in family court is thick as smoke. Awful for children and adults alike.
April 19, 2007 at 12:12 pm
Anonymous
Not all soon-to-be-single dads have the resources either Eric. (Was it an oversight or deliberate exclusion?)
April 19, 2007 at 2:08 pm
Anonymous
I was once sitting in the hallway of family court with my soon-to-be “ex-wife” when a man and woman came out of the courtroom.
She started yelling and screaming, cursing at the top of her lungs at him. The whole while he was trying to calm her down to no avail.
Wide-eyed I turned to my attorney and said, “WTF?”
He stated, “It’s family court. Here it’s personal. In criminal courts, you’re a criminal — you commit a crime — you get caught — it’s business.
Here it’s your former spouse, significant other, domestic partner, family member, etc. — it’s all personal.
These people have their emotions invested in something — a marriage, children, custody, your life savings — and now your former partner is trying to take that away.
It’s all very personal here.”
April 19, 2007 at 3:27 pm
Eric V. Kirk
Not all soon-to-be-single dads have the resources either Eric. (Was it an oversight or deliberate exclusion?)
But I’m willing to bet that if a child is playing with the crayons in the family court clerk’s office, 9 out of 10 times the child is accompanying the mother. That’s probably conservative.
April 19, 2007 at 4:50 pm
twokidslater...
Once children enter a relationship, married or not, the focus of the couple should be on the children. Our self absorbed, MEMEMEMEMEMEME, culture has created chaos of the family unit. Unless your spouse is dangerous or destructive, the relationship should continue for the sake of the children. They would never chose the chaotic sick arrangements many of them are forced to live with. The endless new lovers, new siblings, and the alienation created by distracted guilt ridden ‘parents’ who have NO attention for them…sad really.
The minority now is the two parent home, with children who actually are living with both of their bio parents. Why?
THINK before you procreate!!
or, Don’t bring home a rattlesnake and then cry when you get bit!
April 19, 2007 at 4:54 pm
Eric V. Kirk
I understand where you’re coming from, but is it really in the kids’ best interests to stay together if you’re fighting all the time, or not talking to each other? I agree that the kids should come first in any decisions the parents make, but what that consideration should look like differs from situation to situation.
April 19, 2007 at 5:09 pm
stillthere
Grow up. Be civil. Don’t fight all the time. Simple. Keep the focus on the kids and you can’t fight. They are so innocent, and helpless, especially when they are young. They need so much. Focus on the kids, not on your own petty grivences with a spouse you knew well enuf to bone, or open up your legs for. Focus on raising a child that is secure and healthy. Meals, outings, peace. Really, for me and my disgruntled (at times) spouse, we both love our kids too much, we both want to see them EVERYDAY and refuse to let another raise our child as their own. Oh, and we are sometimes still hot for each other…It is a long life. I know many divorcees that are very regretful at having destroyed their family unity. Family comes first.
April 20, 2007 at 4:28 am
ED Denson
I tell people that I absolutely refuse to do family law cases because I think family law is the most dangerous kind of law for an attorney. Everyone says “ha ha ha” but how many criminal defense attorneys get shot?
Kudos to Roxanne, but boy she has really jumped off the end of the dock to learn to swim if she;s starting in family law.
April 20, 2007 at 4:49 am
Eric V. Kirk
Oh, she’s got a few years under her belt working family law in the Bay Area. She does want to expand into other areas of practice as well.
April 20, 2007 at 9:40 pm
Anonymous
The whole staying together for the ‘sake of the kids’ is over-rated and as Dr Phil says…its better to come from a broken home than to live in one!
From the personal experience of marrying a man with 5 children-staying together (25 years in a state of hostility) ‘for their sake’ meant my husband and his former wife raised five children with the expectation that relationships were painful, unfulfilling and at times hostile, bitter and dangerous.
Of the 5 adults 4 remain single well into their 20s no boyfriends or girlfriends and the one that married has a restraining order against the ex. Child visitation takes place at the halfway mark in a police station parking lot (by court order).
For the children, huh? No. They stayed together the 25 yrs because they got used to battling one another on every little thing big or small and sooner or later just didn’t know any better. They were joined at the hip even though they slept together the total number of times they got pregnant +2.
Marriage shouldn’t be entered into lightly, having children should be thought out carefully and staying together takes work even in happy relationships.
Being happy today doesn’t guarantee that you will be tomorrow or next year-so when problems develop that you can’t seem to handle on your own buy a good book-No its a GREAT BOOK entitled Secrets of a Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. Or find yourselves a good therapist.
April 21, 2007 at 5:10 pm
Anonymous
Grow up. Be civil. Don’t fight all the time. Simple.
April 21, 2007 at 10:34 pm
Anonymous
Better yet-don’t go to bed mad get to the bottom of things that are bothering you. AND if you’re fighting about the way toilet paper should go on the roller or who’s turn it is to clean up after the dog, figure out what you are really mad about. Cause it isn’t the dog.
April 21, 2007 at 10:37 pm
Anonymous
Everybody has a story about a couple not getting along. Mine is the sister and brother in law who never spoke to each other just left notes on the table or asked one of the kids to tell your mother-or tell your Dad…
They sure did yell at those kids a lot though.
Now divorced, they work well together, share the kids just fine and both parents have given up pretty much every idea of connecting with a new spouse. It’s been over 10 years.
Sometimes being married isn’t Everything.