Too bad the statute of limitations just ran

I wrote this a couple of years ago. I’d intended to send it with a satirical law firm letterhead of some sort, but I never put it together. I wonder how many locals were listening to Bill O’Reilly at the time.

William O’’Reilly

Re: Slanderous comments, August 2, 2004

Dear Mr. O’’Reilly:

I represent a potential class of agricultural entrepreneursrs who have been victimized by your reckless and slanderous comments regarding the quality of their product, and stand to suffer pecuniary loss as the result.

On the morning (Pacific time) of August 2, 2004, my clients were shocked and appalled as you uttered the following statement over national airwaves:

“The marijuana available to kids today is not the stuff their parents smoked. The stuff coming from Canada is scientifically altered to be much stronger. It’’s not just the stuff grown out in Humboldt County.”

The phrase ““not just” implies that Humboldt County grown marijuana is of inferior quality to the varieties grown within the nation of Canada. The statement calls into question not only your judgment, but also your patriotism.

For your information Mr. O’’Reilly, Humboldt County is the producer of the best quality of marijuana, commonly referred to around the world as “one hit sh#t.”” Our farmers have bred indica and other varieties of sinsimilla that are the envy of the world. We are prepared to employ the best of experts in the subject matter, including but not limited to Pete Townsend, Paul McCartney, and all of the veterans of Buffalo Springfield and Toots and the Maytals.

The Canadians, Mr. O’Reilly, are merely imitators using the technology and methods of indoor cultivation perfected by the necessity created by the California Marijuana Eradication Project, known to locals as the “Marijuana Price Support System.” The indoor grow technology is the product of American know-how, dependent on the same lighting technology that illuminates American baseball stadiums. What can be more American?

You can mitigate my clients’’ damages Mr. O’Reilly, by agreeing to educate your listeners while recanting and apologizing for your erroneous statement. Remind your listeners that when they buy Columbian or Thai product, they are putting an American grower out of work.

Fortunately, marijuana trade is not covered by the North American Free Trade Agreement, and so we benefit from the tariff system of the Border Patrol and Coast Guard. The measures are inadequate however, and so our growers must compete with sweat shop producThereforebroad. Therefor, my clients do not appreciate your shameless promotion of foreign product to their expense.

My clients are not looking for a confrontation, and hope to arrive at an equitable solution. I know you will do the right thing and retract your careless statement.

Very truly yours,

Eric V. Kirk

EVK/

He apologized

Just thought I’d make note of it. It will satisfy some. Others not.

Carry on.